Firstly, Bits
'In bits', is the term I use when there is just too much emotion going on in my head and I'm finding it difficult to deal with. It's not something that I use often, but some days, it's the only way to describe what's going on.
A few weeks ago now (17 July) it was Race for Life in Hull. It was a Sunday. Now we were already in for a bit of a rough day. We were having a small private memorial service for a very much loved family member, and if that wasn't enough it was getting close to the time when my sister was leaving to go home to Canada and it would be the last day we would get to spend together with our Mum & Dad. There was already quite a bit of emotion flying around - sadness, grief, trying to still enjoy the time with my family at a very tough time, wanting to be strong to support other family members but feeling that I had little strength left for this, grateful that it was sunny (rain always makes me, like many others, even more depressed, and would have been more than I could have coped with at that point), hugely thankful as always for the support of those around me, particularly at this point my hubby Al, and daughter Claire.
Anyway, I picked up my phone in the morning as you do, and saw I'd been tagged in a post by the lovely Pauline Barton, one of my regular yoga students. She was doing Race for Life, her 18th time out of 19 races, huge respect for that Pauline, and this year she was running in my name. Well to say I was touched is an understatement, A little later, I saw that I'd also been named by Dawn McKie (Facebook's creator of Mummy Friends), one of my YogaBellies mummies. OMG I was IN BITS, without a doubt this is one of the nicest thing that anyone has done for me, but the very fact that I needed someone to do this in my name is still a shock. My daughter Claire came in and saw me and just gave me a big hug, held me for a while, just what I needed. And then made me a cup of Earl Grey.
Both of these lovely people have sadly lost their mum's to cancer, so they know the journey and how much support means. Please know that there is certainly no blame to either of these wonderful women for this. Just on that day it was all a bit much, I was so, so touched by these gestures.
A couple of weeks later, it happened again. I've been self-employed for 5 years now, and so 'asking permission' (from anyone about anything really) is not something I have to do much of these days. Lymphoma has created a need to ask permission to do stuff and this freaked me out a bit! I was booked to run a yoga retreat in Morocco, I'm not allowed to do it (dates clash with my chemo dates/not allowed to fly currently/too much risk of infection). I wanted to have a massage, I'm not allowed, I have to ask permission ( I now have a letter saying I can have 'light massage'). I want to do Vipassana (a 10 day silent meditation retreat), I'm not allowed to do it (again too much risk of infection as it is at my most vulnerable time, I have to wait til the end of chemo) I thought this was the perfect time to do Vipassana, I didn't have to take time out of the business for once! I wanted to go to an event, (the Spenser Tunick blue photo shoot, a festival) I'm advised not to go! IN BITS yet again. Frustration, depression, grief for things lost, wanting to stay positive but finding it hard. That night it was Allan who held me, all night as I cried it out.
So, In Bits, for me, is the pits. If I ever say I am, hold me, hug me, possibly feed me - protein - I will already have eaten half my body weight in chocolate or bread! Take me home, and if I'm already at home and still not dealing take me to the beach for a paddle, doesn't matter what the weather is. Oh and a cup of Earl Grey always helps. This might not be the same for everyone, but for me, this is what I need.
And secondly, (Hair) Pieces
So chemo, one of
the first questions to me is (usually from women), will you lose your hair? Well it looks like it's
going now. I realised this a little while ago when one morning I'd had my
shower, I picked up the towel to get dried and rubbed my head first, as I do,
then dried my face and wondered why it felt all hairy. As I now have
peripheral neuropathy in my fingers I couldn't quite feel to take them off, so
used a non-hairy part of the towel to get clean again, and then dried the rest
of me and shook the towel out in the bath. Result, LOTS of short red hair
all in the bath. I didn't think losing my hair would be too much of an
issue to me, it's never been a massive thing in my life, and I've always had very thick hair. When I'd thought
about it before I started my chemo I was more stressed about the idea of losing my eyebrows. Now it's stressing me out! There is no longer much to grab hold of, and lots comes out daily, but I have a selection of bandanas purchased, am looking at lovely beanies, and thinking of a couple of funky wigs, bright and brash, If I'm going to look different I'll look very different. The lovely Milly Rose who does bump painting for my YogaBellies is going to do me a Henna tattoo on my bald head too!
Oh and by the way, I'm still plucking out the sparkly silver hairs (vanity obviously has no bounds), and also having to pluck my chin, maybe that will end soon! The eyebrows are also thinning and will get those tattooed when I can (I'll probably not get permission until chemo has finished now!!!)
But while I'm still on hair, the lovely man who is my amazing husband said that in support of me going bald he would shave his head. I balked at this, what if I didn't like him with a bald head, yes I realise what I said there, what if I didn't like him with a bald head!!! I was expecting him to still fancy the pants off me (his words!) So I realised this was a bit crap of me, but if he was going to do it, I thought he should do it for charity. He didn't think this was a particularly good idea, but I convinced him it was, so he signed up to Brave the Shave for MacMillan. Within the first day he had surpassed his estimated total and he is now well on the way to £1000. If you feel able to do so please pop over to his page and drop this amazing charity a little of your hard earned cash. Local people can also pop into MKM Beverley and pass the cash over to him.
https://bravetheshave.org.uk/shavers/allan-medhurst/
For those who have already donated, if we've not thanked you personally we don't have your contact details through the charity so might not be sure who you are if we have more than one person of that name in our lives, but we certainly thank you all.
The Brave the Shave event will happen at MKM Beverley on Tuesday 30th August at approximately 2pm. Allan has even managed to persuade some work colleagues to join him. There will be pics and a video so will share those when the time comes. If mine is at the stage it needs shaving (if it hasn't all gone by then) it will be done at the same time.
Also, on the hair front, Claire, is not shaving her head, but is growing her hair and will donate it when long enough to do so via http://www.littleprincesses.org.uk/ I'll let you know when that happens too and share pictures. It's got a way to go yet as has to be at least 7 inches lengths to cut off to donate.
That's all for now folks, I've got a few drafts in process so plan to be a bit more regular posting from now on. Let me know what you think. xx
Oh and by the way, I'm still plucking out the sparkly silver hairs (vanity obviously has no bounds), and also having to pluck my chin, maybe that will end soon! The eyebrows are also thinning and will get those tattooed when I can (I'll probably not get permission until chemo has finished now!!!)
But while I'm still on hair, the lovely man who is my amazing husband said that in support of me going bald he would shave his head. I balked at this, what if I didn't like him with a bald head, yes I realise what I said there, what if I didn't like him with a bald head!!! I was expecting him to still fancy the pants off me (his words!) So I realised this was a bit crap of me, but if he was going to do it, I thought he should do it for charity. He didn't think this was a particularly good idea, but I convinced him it was, so he signed up to Brave the Shave for MacMillan. Within the first day he had surpassed his estimated total and he is now well on the way to £1000. If you feel able to do so please pop over to his page and drop this amazing charity a little of your hard earned cash. Local people can also pop into MKM Beverley and pass the cash over to him.
https://bravetheshave.org.uk/shavers/allan-medhurst/
For those who have already donated, if we've not thanked you personally we don't have your contact details through the charity so might not be sure who you are if we have more than one person of that name in our lives, but we certainly thank you all.
The Brave the Shave event will happen at MKM Beverley on Tuesday 30th August at approximately 2pm. Allan has even managed to persuade some work colleagues to join him. There will be pics and a video so will share those when the time comes. If mine is at the stage it needs shaving (if it hasn't all gone by then) it will be done at the same time.
Also, on the hair front, Claire, is not shaving her head, but is growing her hair and will donate it when long enough to do so via http://www.littleprincesses.org.uk/ I'll let you know when that happens too and share pictures. It's got a way to go yet as has to be at least 7 inches lengths to cut off to donate.
That's all for now folks, I've got a few drafts in process so plan to be a bit more regular posting from now on. Let me know what you think. xx
Sending much love. Xxx
ReplyDeleteSending much love. Xxx
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