Similarities ...

between the cancer/chemo journey and pregnancy/new motherhood!

Many of you know I work with lots of pregnant women and new mums in my YogaBellies work and I love it, I love being a little part of this very special time in women's lives I have had lots of conversations over the last few years with many different women (both in classes and in general conversations & trainings) and like to think I've built up a little bit of knowledge in this area!

So there was I, getting on with life, teaching Yoga, YogaBellies, Feel the Fear, running workshops, running retreats, sharing pregnancy stories and birthing stories, getting lots of baby cuddles, planning lots more of these things in running my business and then, as the 'F**k It's Lymphoma' title explains, I got Lymphoma, and life shifted, big time.  But there were echoes of those YogaBellies conversations in my current situation.

Let me explain...

(in no particular order)

Priorities change - enough said?!

Hair loss - common in pregnancy and after childbirth, and during chemo! And the stress of this for some people.

Medical appointments - more than you have ever had in your life before probably!  Tell me about it, I have 3 this week!  As well as being discussed as a medical condition... probably a future blog post!

Free prescriptions - the bonus of cancer and pregnancy! (Yes I am being ironic, yes I'm trying to look for a bright side)

Change in bodies - growing / then shrinking again, obvious in pregnancy. Common in cancer/ chemo/ drugs cycles...

Tiredness/Sleeplessness - Biggie - the tiredness of pregnancy followed by new babies not sleeping / feeding much of the time leads to extreme tiredness.  When people who are not mums talk about tiredness, new mums just laugh quietly to themselves (or not so quietly) and think, yes I wish I was your sort of tired!  Well cancer/chemo does a similar thing, there are some days my legs just won't work as they are too tired, it's weird, I literally go 'weak at the knees' and after chemo there is a bone tiredness that reminds me totally of that new mum time.  But I'm grateful ( though sometimes sad and a bit broody) as I don't have a new baby to look after, I can just stop and do nothing if that is what my body is demanding.

Being awake at 3/4 am is increasingly common for me, as is not getting to sleep, The drugs have buggered up my sleep patterns and my usual good sleep, 'sleep like the dead, including not hearing Allan snore like a trooper' is affected.  My usual remedies for times of not sleeping, including lavender, yoga, breathing techniques, milky drink, yoga nidra are helpful in keeping me relaxed but are not always working to knock me out as well as normal.  I know lots of mummies are awake during that time and it is comforting to know I'm not alone.  I often say hello in my mind.  Whilst lots of those mummies go online and chat on FB or shop during this time I steer away from anything electronic, (I dread to think what my book shopping bill might look like) as I know that makes my insomnia worse.

Mouth taste - chemo mouth is a thing! Lots of things taste weird - metallic -  during chemo, and it took me straight back to being pregnant.  I knew almost the minute I was pregnant with Luke (second child) as I tasted different, and it lasted the whole of the pregnancy (though for many it goes after first trimester).  I taste like that now and many foods taste very odd.  Sweet things help (not that I need any encouragement to eat more sweet things) as I can actually taste them.

Food restrictions - whilst I'm on with food.  There are lots of things in pregnancy that you are advised not to eat, and my list is pretty similar. No shellfish, no runny eggs, pate, various cheeses. In both cases, it's to do with risk of infection.  I don't have to avoid things that are considered 'might damage baby'!

Something growing inside of us!  But in pregnancy it's a much wanted baby! In my case it is a very unwanted growth...  Whichever it is though it takes energy from us! The feeling of our bodies not being entirely 'ours', for the time being, is I think, a similar feeling.

Waiting for results.  There is lots of waiting in this old cancer game, waiting to know what is going on, waiting for appointments, waiting to hear results, waiting for the 'all clear' (oh wouldn't that be lovely...) and there are lots of waiting times during pregnancy. Waiting to find out if this month is THE month, waiting for the result of a little line on a piece of plastic that might change your future,  perhaps waiting for 12 weeks to tell people, waiting for scans and then seeing what they say, hopefully all is good news, having various scares, and then again waiting to know that all is well.  Waiting for a bump to appear, waiting for baby to arrive! Waiting, that's the theme, you get it!  As is knowing that not all might go as well as you hoped, and I'm trying to stay upbeat and positive so won't explore this more today...

Baby brain/chemo brain.  Baby brain - a pregnancy-induced fog which includes forgetfulness.  Chemo brain/fog - a common term used after chemo to describe brain & memory problems.  Hugely similar brain state.  Neither of which are helped by the stress of the events causing it!  Hopefully both are temporary, because add this to menopausal memory problems I was already experiencing and I've no chance of ever holding an intelligent conversation again! Remind me who I am again!!

Friends - change!  Some step up to the mark and become closer & more important to you, others drift away because... many reasons I'm sure.  This is true now and of during pregnancy/new motherhood.  There is more to say about this in a future blog me thinks.

Life changing.  In the same way that life will never be the same again after becoming pregnant (a person's a person no matter how small - Dr Seuss), I know that life has indeed changed in a similar way.   There will in some ways always be life before and life after diagnosis, life before and life after chemo! (I'm definitely looking forward to the after of chemo!)  I'm still planning on living to 100 so for me this is my half-way marker.  A bloody great kick up the backside to make the next 50 count even more than the first 50!

This too will pass!  One of my mantras, whatever is happening, good, bad, painful, euphoric, knowing that it won't be forever is truly comforting.  I teach this in all of my classes, in YogaBellies particularly use it in relation to birthing :)   And I'm reminding myself of it daily.

You might not agree, or you might think of some more!  But these are some of the similarities that have hit me in the last few months.  Do let me know what you think!!

Pam xxx